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" I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. "

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" One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. "

" Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. "

" In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union. "

" Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me. "

" It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy. "

" According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here. "

" Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.' "

" Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. "

" Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years. "

" If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. "

" Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. "

" I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore. "

" There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. "

" Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans. "

" Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. "

" I think the best thing I ever did was, years before I got the 'Late Night' show, when I first got out to Los Angeles to be a television writer, the first thing I did was I signed up to take improvisational classes... And I studied that for years, and I really loved it. "

" Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!' "

" A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' "

" The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent. "

" Fish recognize a bad leader. "

" The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. "

" I have an abacus at home. "

" Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen. "

" During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage. "

" This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him. "

" Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion. "

" The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. "

" In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani. "

" In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have. "

" If you watch a lot of television, the pacing, the quick cutting is so frenetic, but it doesn't always make it funnier. What I'm noticing is that when things are allowed to unspool more slowly, younger crowds really like it. They really appreciate it. "