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" Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea. "

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" I just like, when you look at people who have long careers in film, they're able to make films that are far away from themselves, because they're metaphorical. It creates more opportunities, I think. "

" The list of fun and easily-fixed brain diseases is very short. "

" The moment I walk into a room, I have kind of like the Terminator's tracking system for where the food is, and I can get there immediately. "

" I was completely unqualified to get into Harvard. But then I went to my interview for Harvard, and the woman asked, 'Why do you want to go here?' And I took out all of my comedy writing samples that I had done. I couldn't have been more delusional in terms of what I thought they wanted in a candidate for college. "

" I listened to this interview once with Jerry Seinfeld that really influenced my comedy and all of my writing, which is that when you're starting out in comedy, it's the audience that tells you what's funny about you. And you need to listen to that and make a note of that. "

" When you're in high school, you can't even imagine the concept of what the rest of your life even means. "

" If you tried to sell Mike Birbiglia as a concept, no one would buy it. "

" Ultimately, jokes are this really special thing that we can all share. It's exciting to have basically a thousand people in a room together that can laugh at the same time, but I think of it almost as, like, a religious experience. "

" I love Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. "

" When I was growing up, I didn't know who Jewish people were, what it was to be Jewish. "

" When I was in college, I wanted to write for 'Late Night With Conan O'Brien,' and I was an intern there. "

" It's interesting how sleepwalking in a certain way becomes an accumulation of your outside stimuli that's actually there and what's happening in your brain. "

" I am intimidating no one in America. No one feels like they are below me in any way. They feel like they are absolutely either at or above my level and 100-percent comfortable talking to me. "

" When I was in high school I saw Steven Wright, a brilliant one-liner comedian, and I thought: 'That's what I should do; I should write one-liners.' And I did. My first album is mostly one-liners. "

" Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist. "

" My dad goes through war novels like I go through boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. "

" What I always studied in screenwriting from my mentor John Glavin was that the most interesting characters are characters with shades of gray. "

" One of my favourite movies is 'Annie Hall' because it's about the silver lining of the break-up. "

" I like 'Donnie Darko;' it's a cool take on dreams and sleep. "

" The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is. "

" I grew up in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts and went to college in Washington D.C. "

" Nothing that you want ever is what you think it is. "

" The ability to workshop in stand-up comedy is incomparable to any art form, in my opinion. "

" Comedy unites, it doesn't divide! "

" I consider Lena Dunham a comedian. "

" I sometimes think of not doing Twitter or Facebook anymore, but that's how people find their favorite bands and comedians. "

" Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody. "

" I would be so mad if I saw something called a memoir, and then it was Mike Birbiglia. It would be so infuriating. It's like, 'Who is this guy, and why does he have a memoir?' David Letterman could write a memoir. Joan Rivers could. I'm just a nobody. I'm a comedian and a writer. "

" Every comedian comes to a fork in the road where they have to decide if they're going to make jokes about other people or make jokes about themselves. I chose myself. "

" I have a following, but it's small. I have this level of fame where people spot me in the airport, consistently, but they always think they're the only one who ever has. People will think they win a prize when they recognize me. "