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" Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head? "

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" I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. "

" I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days. "

" I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be. "

" The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards. "

" I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do. "

" If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? "

" I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there. "

" Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. "

" I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered. "

" I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there. "

" As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me. "

" Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet. "

" Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint. "

" There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter. "

" It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things. "

" I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little. "

" I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless. "

" I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything. "

" My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo. "

" My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. "

" Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on. "

" I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far. "

" The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know. "

" I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place. "