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" I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything. "

Billy Connolly

Look

Pictures

Thought

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" Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. "

" I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered. "

" There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter. "

" Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint. "

" I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there. "

" I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do. "

" It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things. "

Billy Connolly

God

Different

" I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be. "

" The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards. "

" I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days. "

" I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there. "

Billy Connolly

Know

Algebra

" Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head? "

" My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. "

" Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on. "

" As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me. "

Billy Connolly

Successful

Started

" The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know. "

" I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far. "

" I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place. "

" Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day. "

" I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little. "

" If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? "

Billy Connolly

Jesus

Name

" I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless. "

" My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo. "

" I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. "