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" You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right. "

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" Excuse the mess but we live here. "

" Meditation state is a place of deep relaxation where you can pinpoint the things you do and to set a paradigm switch from effect to cause. So how to be a cause in your own life. "

" As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job. "

" 'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking. "

" I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust. "

" I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form. "

" The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment 'Roseanne' dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous! "

" Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family. "

" I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election. "

" The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest. "

" Nothing real or truthful makes its way to TV unless you are smart and know how to sneak it in, and I would tell you how I did it, but then I would have to kill you. "

" I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.' "

" I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote. "

" I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice. "

" I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird? "

" My real life is funnier than anything on TV. "

" I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool. "

" I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. "

" You can't break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I've tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it. "

" I actually regard Facebook as a huge bore, but I cannot refrain from participating in it. I guess I crave the feeling of hope it gives me to think that today will be different from yesterday, that I will find an interesting comment or poke or video, and on the extremely rare occasion when that happens, I am just thrilled. "

" Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian. "

" I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did. "

" I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.' "

" I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them. "

" I know how to do anything, I'm a mom. "

" I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out. "

" I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology. "

" I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference. "

" I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty. "

" The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think. "