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" If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night. "

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" I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list. "

" No, I love Montreal... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there. "

" I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown. "

" So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it. "

" I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style. "

" Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am. "

" Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist. "

" I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun. "

" Have I gone too far? "

" I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there. "

" My act is based on my life. "

" I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men. "

" Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand. "

" I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming. "

" I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard. "

" The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are. "

" Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true. "

" The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness. "

" The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends. "

" That's life when you're on the D-list. "

" So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits. "

" I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography. "

" I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great. "

" Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice. "