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" I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great. "

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" Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true. "

" So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits. "

" If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night. "

" So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it. "

" No, I love Montreal... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there. "

" Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice. "

" I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography. "

" I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time. "

" I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming. "

" Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist. "

" Have I gone too far? "

" I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style. "

" I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men. "

" My act is based on my life. "

" Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am. "

" The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness. "

" Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand. "

" I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list. "

" I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard. "

" I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown. "

" That's life when you're on the D-list. "

" The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are. "

" I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun. "

" The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends. "