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" So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits. "

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" My act is based on my life. "

" The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are. "

" Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand. "

" I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming. "

" I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown. "

" I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list. "

" I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography. "

" Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true. "

" If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night. "

" Have I gone too far? "

" Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice. "

" I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there. "

" No, I love Montreal... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there. "

" I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun. "

" Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am. "

" Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist. "

" So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it. "

" I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard. "

" I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men. "

" That's life when you're on the D-list. "

" I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time. "

" I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style. "

" The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends. "