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" Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand. "

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" The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are. "

" I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography. "

" The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends. "

" I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great. "

" I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style. "

" So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it. "

" I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list. "

" I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there. "

" Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice. "

" The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness. "

" If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night. "

" Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true. "

" Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am. "

" I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming. "

" Have I gone too far? "

" I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men. "

" So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits. "

" My act is based on my life. "

" I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time. "

" I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun. "

" I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown. "

" That's life when you're on the D-list. "

" Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist. "

" No, I love Montreal... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there. "