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" In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath. "
" Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion. "
" Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen. "
" President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. "
" During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage. "
" I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. "
" If you watch a lot of television, the pacing, the quick cutting is so frenetic, but it doesn't always make it funnier. What I'm noticing is that when things are allowed to unspool more slowly, younger crowds really like it. They really appreciate it. "
" In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani. "
" The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. "
" Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity. "
" One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. "
" People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment. "
" Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. "
" A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' "
" There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference. "
" If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. "
" Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob. "
" Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. "
" I have an abacus at home. "
" Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. "
" According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here. "
" Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. "
" Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. "
" I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore. "
" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "
" I think the best thing I ever did was, years before I got the 'Late Night' show, when I first got out to Los Angeles to be a television writer, the first thing I did was I signed up to take improvisational classes... And I studied that for years, and I really loved it. "
" Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. "
" Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans. "
" CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.' "
" The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent. "
" Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. "