Home
Authors
Tags
App
Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App
" In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath. "
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday
Breath
Man
Related Quotes:
" Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion. "
Conan O'Brien
Going
Story
Gay
" Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen. "
Conan O'Brien
Work Hard
Work
Kind
" President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. "
Conan O'Brien
President
Write
Yes
" During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage. "
Conan O'Brien
End
Think
Night
" I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. "
Conan O'Brien
Cynicism
Quality
Lead
" If you watch a lot of television, the pacing, the quick cutting is so frenetic, but it doesn't always make it funnier. What I'm noticing is that when things are allowed to unspool more slowly, younger crowds really like it. They really appreciate it. "
Conan O'Brien
You
Watch
Television
" In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani. "
Conan O'Brien
Improve
Elections
New York
" The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. "
Conan O'Brien
Army
Help
Government
" Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity. "
Conan O'Brien
Years
Star
Said
" One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. "
Conan O'Brien
Dream
Speak
Job
" People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment. "
Conan O'Brien
People
More
Love
" Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. "
Conan O'Brien
Too
Found
Way
" A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' "
Conan O'Brien
Skills
Want
Men
" There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference. "
Conan O'Brien
Random
Good
Bad
" If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. "
Conan O'Brien
You
Some
Life
" Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob. "
Conan O'Brien
White
Saying
War
" Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. "
Conan O'Brien
Plan
Finding
Museum
" I have an abacus at home. "
Conan O'Brien
Home
" Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. "
Conan O'Brien
Early
Contract
Egg
" According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here. "
Conan O'Brien
Survey
Mexico
New
" Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. "
Conan O'Brien
Doing
Dating
She
" Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. "
Conan O'Brien
Thought
You
Kind
" I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore. "
Conan O'Brien
Anymore
Happy
Comment
" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "
Conan O'Brien
People
You
Say
" I think the best thing I ever did was, years before I got the 'Late Night' show, when I first got out to Los Angeles to be a television writer, the first thing I did was I signed up to take improvisational classes... And I studied that for years, and I really loved it. "
Conan O'Brien
Loved
Night
Television
" Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. "
Conan O'Brien
Successful
Your
You
" Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans. "
Conan O'Brien
Day
Talk
Toys
" CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.' "
Conan O'Brien
Bad
Crazy
Anchor
" The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent. "
Conan O'Brien
Country
Results
Saying
" Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. "
Conan O'Brien
Path
Will
Your