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" Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!' "

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" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "

" A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' "

" Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob. "

" Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans. "

" The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. "

" The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. "

" Fish recognize a bad leader. "

" In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have. "

" I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore. "

" Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. "

" President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. "

" President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards. "

" Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen. "

" Keep cool my babies. "

" Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. "

" Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.' "

" CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.' "

" Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. "

" Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years. "

" Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. "

" In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani. "

" I have an abacus at home. "

" People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment. "

" One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. "

" In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath. "

" Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. "

" I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. "

" There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. "

" If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. "

" Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. "