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" No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader. "

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" It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything. "

" When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that. "

" The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were. "

" My first car was a motorcycle. "

" I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist. "

" If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station. "

" I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial. "

" I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is. "

" I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. "

" I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much. "

" Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story. "

" I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food. "

" I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care. "

" Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff. "

" I get depressed at airports. "

" If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life. "

" I'm not a Republican. "

" I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make. "

" The very definition of 'beauty' is outside. "

" When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much. "

" If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it. "

" You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society. "

" You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself. "