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" You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself. "

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" I get depressed at airports. "

" If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station. "

" When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much. "

" I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much. "

" I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food. "

" I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist. "

" If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life. "

" When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that. "

" Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff. "

" I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is. "

" No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader. "

" Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor. "

" I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care. "

" The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were. "

" I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. "

" I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial. "

" It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything. "

" My first car was a motorcycle. "

" I'm not a Republican. "

" I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps. "

" If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it. "

" You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society. "

" Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story. "

" I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make. "