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" The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were. "

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" I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food. "

" You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself. "

" I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much. "

" Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor. "

" I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist. "

" I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps. "

" My first car was a motorcycle. "

" I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make. "

" The very definition of 'beauty' is outside. "

" When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that. "

" If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life. "

" I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care. "

" I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial. "

" I'm not a Republican. "

" When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much. "

" I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. "

" You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society. "

" Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff. "

" It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything. "

" Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story. "

" If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it. "

" If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station. "

" No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader. "

" I get depressed at airports. "