Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" The first time I had disposable income, the two things I cared most about were a television and a couch. "

Related Quotes:

" The hands are the feet of the arms. "

" I always thought I'd be a father. "

" I'm a bold man. I throw caution to the wind. "

" When my girlfriend and I talk about being happy, I'll get choked up, which I think is the greatest gift you can give a girlfriend. "

" I thought Ted Cruz was more fun than Carly Fiorina. And I never thought I would ever say the words, 'Ted Cruz was more fun.' "

" It's weird to sit as a comedian. Being still drives me crazy. "

" I don't know what else to do other than tell people what I think to be untruths. "

" People who know me would not say that, at my core, I'm silly. "

" I love cheese plates. Though I actually hate cheese plates. Because I can't say no to them. "

" My mother is an incredibly beautiful woman who has laughed at every single thing my father's ever said. At a young age, my brother and I understood that if you can make girls laugh, you can punch well above your weight class. "

" Once you get past funny, my other qualities are so below average. It's not like I'm handy. "

" My 'SNL' days of working through the night have come and gone. "

" It's nice to have an elephant in the room. There's nothing more helpful than something everybody's thinking about. "

" I enjoy talking about politics a great deal. "

" I did not go into comedy to escape anything. I went into comedy because I had parents who thought it was a reputable way to earn a living. "

" I think the greatest gift your parents can give you if you want to be a comedian is good taste. "

" I would love to interview Sean Spicer. "

" I'm not a tortured soul. "

" I don't get the conga line started. I'm not a great choice if the goal of the evening is just a celebration. But if we're going to talk about what's been going on lately, then I can bring something to the table. "

" In 2004 I had the fortune - or the misfortune - of playing John Kerry. It was hard because I think the best impressions exaggerate someone's most well-known quality. And exaggerating gravitas is very hard to pull off. "

" The nice thing about anger is that, as an emotion, it's strong enough to unplug me from the comedian's mind for a minute and just be a frustrated member of the citizenry. "

" I'm strictly a sugar-free Red Bull guy. I'd rather enjoy my sugar intake elsewhere. "

" My father is sort of the jokester. My dad is still the funniest guy in our family. "

" The Earth will be around for a long time before you have a funnier president than Obama. He has a stand-up's cadence and the awareness and ability to make jokes about himself before comedians can. That's a page almost every politician should try to take from his book. "

" My parents introduced me to 'SNL,' Monty Python, and Richard Pryor probably way earlier than they had any right to. "

" It's nice when I get offered small parts. But I really think that 'SNL' is what my skill set is best designed for. "

" It's very hard to get inside Donald Trump's brain, and I don't want to try. "

" People appreciate it when you take some time to think about who will be listening to your jokes. "

" People say, 'Oh, you're doing the job of journalists.' I think it's very important to note that we can't do our job without journalists. Journalists can do their job without late-night comedians. They'd be just fine without us. But we, of course, use their work every day to build our pieces. "

" I'm a terrible grocery shopper. I hardly ever do it. And if I do, there's never more than three things in the bag. "