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" We tend to look through language and not realize how much power language has. "
Deborah Tannen
Language
Realize
Power
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" It is easy to understand why conflict is so often highlighted: Writers of headlines or promotional copy want to catch attention and attract an audience. They are usually under time pressure, which lures them to established, conventionalized ways of expressing ideas in the absence of leisure to think up entirely new ones. "
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" Each person's life is lived as a series of conversations. "
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" People vary. You change your style, your hair, and the way you dress. Talking differently will be a part of that. "
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" Each underestimates her own power and overestimates the other's. "
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" Much of my work over the years has developed the premise that women's styles of friendship and conversation aren't inherently better than men's, simply different. "
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" Where the daughter sees power, the mother feels powerless. Daughters and mothers, I found, both overestimate the other's power - and underestimate their own. "
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" While the requirements of a good leader and a good man are similar, the requirements of a good leader and a good woman are mutually exclusive. A good leader must be tough, but a good woman must not be. A good woman must be self-deprecating, but a good leader must not be. "
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" Why don't men like to stop and ask directions? This question, which I first addressed in my 1990 book 'You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation', garnered perhaps the most attention of any issue or insight in that book. "
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" I can't tell you how many times I heard from younger sisters that their older sisters were bossy and judgmental. "
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" The double bind lowers its boom on women in positions of authority, so those who haven't yet risen to such positions have not yet felt its full weight. "
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" I interviewed more than 100 women about their sisters, but if they also had brothers, I asked them to compare. Most said they talked to their sisters more often, at greater length and, yes, about more personal topics. This often meant that they felt closer to their sisters, but not always. "
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" If you talk to your friends the way your parents talk, they will think you are stiff and odd. "
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" The long history of conversations that family members share contributes not only to how listeners interpret words but also to how speakers choose them. "
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Long
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" In this world, conversations are negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek and give confirmation and support, and to reach consensus. They try to protect themselves from others' attempts to push them away. "
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" This idea that we should be best friends with our partner of the opposite gender leads toward tremendous frustration. Did you ever notice that while men often refer to their wives as best friends, women usually refer to another woman in that way? "
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" It's a particularly modern myth that married people are best friends. The best-friend concept is a uniquely female phenomena. "
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" Sister relationships span a huge range, from best friends to worst enemies. From 'I adore her; I talk to her five times a day' to 'I decided to cut her out of my life.' For most women, it's in between. "
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" All of us aspire to be powerful, and we all want to connect with others. "
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" My interest in the linguistic differences between women and men grew from research I conducted early in my career on conversations between speakers of different ethnic and regional backgrounds. "
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Men
Early
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" The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or a relationship. "
Deborah Tannen
Relationship
Conversation
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" I think it is important to remember that there are so many different ways to be sisters. "
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" There are those who believe that the existence of gender differences at very early ages is evidence that these differences are biological or generic in origin. "
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" Maybe we're kind of predisposed to think that anything a politician does is calculated and therefore suspect. "
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" Conversations with sisters can spark extremes of anger or extremes of love. Everything said between sisters carries meaning not only from what was just said but from all the conversations that came before - and 'before' can span a lifetime. The layers of meaning combine profound connection with equally profound competition. "
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" I am the youngest of three girls. My first linguistics book was a study of 'New York Jewish conversational style'. That was my dissertation. "
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" For women, detailed conversation is our lifeblood, while for men it's just not as critical. "
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" Most non-New Yorkers, finding themselves within hearing range of strangers' conversation, think it's nice to pretend they didn't hear. But many New Yorkers think it's nice to toss in a relevant comment. "
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" The meanings of words and the uses of words come from practice from the way people in a given culture use those words. "
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" New Yorkers seem to think the best thing two people can do is talk. "
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" One of the nice things about the United States is that, wherever you go, people speak the same language. So native New Yorkers can move to San Francisco, Houston, or Milwaukee and still understand and be understood by everyone they meet. Right? Well, not exactly. Or, as a native New Yorker might put it, 'Wrong!' "
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