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" New Yorkers seem to think the best thing two people can do is talk. "
Deborah Tannen
Best
New
People
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" I'm a linguist. I study how people talk to each other and how the ways we talk affect our relationships. "
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" Sisters, to me, are fascinating because it is a unique connection of the coming together of connection and competition. The fact that you have these age differences is a built-in power struggle, and the fact that you're all trying to get attention and resources from the same parents creates competition. "
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" There are those who believe that the existence of gender differences at very early ages is evidence that these differences are biological or generic in origin. "
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" The long history of conversations that family members share contributes not only to how listeners interpret words but also to how speakers choose them. "
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" In my own writing, I avoid 'female' and try to say 'woman' because I feel that the word 'female' has connotations of not just biology but also non-human mammals. The idea of 'female' to me is more appropriate for a female animal. "
Deborah Tannen
Say
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Animal
" I have two sisters; one is two years older, and one is eight years older. That helped me understand how completely different sister relationships can be. "
Deborah Tannen
Sister
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" My interest in the linguistic differences between women and men grew from research I conducted early in my career on conversations between speakers of different ethnic and regional backgrounds. "
Deborah Tannen
Men
Early
Differences
" My job is to analyze conversations and discover why communications fail. "
Deborah Tannen
Discover
Why
Fail
" When Clinton first appeared on the national stage back in 1992, the young wife of the Arkansas governor running for president, she kept her natural-brown hair off her face with a headband. "
Deborah Tannen
Young
Back
Wife
" Women as mothers grapple with corresponding contradictions. The adoration they feel for their grown daughters, mixed with the sense of responsibility for their well-being, can be overwhelming, matched only by the hurt they feel when their attempts to help or just stay connected are rebuffed or even excoriated as criticism or devilish interference. "
Deborah Tannen
Help
Feel
Responsibility
" Relationships are made of talk - and talk is for girls and women. "
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Women
Talk
Relationships
" Most non-New Yorkers, finding themselves within hearing range of strangers' conversation, think it's nice to pretend they didn't hear. But many New Yorkers think it's nice to toss in a relevant comment. "
Deborah Tannen
Think
Conversation
Nice
" For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships. "
Deborah Tannen
Language
Connections
Most
" Birth order is fascinating, and it is forever. "
Deborah Tannen
Fascinating
Forever
Order
" The double bind lowers its boom on women in positions of authority, so those who haven't yet risen to such positions have not yet felt its full weight. "
Deborah Tannen
Weight
Who
Women
" If you understand gender differences in what I call 'conversational style', you may not be able to prevent disagreements from arising, but you stand a better chance of preventing them from spiraling out of control. "
Deborah Tannen
Gender
Stand
Style
" We all know we are unique individuals, but we tend to see others as representatives of groups. "
Deborah Tannen
See
Individuals
Others
" My writing is about connecting ways of talking to human relationships. My purpose is to show that linguistics has something to offer in understanding and improving relationships. "
Deborah Tannen
Talking
Understanding
Writing
" While the requirements of a good leader and a good man are similar, the requirements of a good leader and a good woman are mutually exclusive. A good leader must be tough, but a good woman must not be. A good woman must be self-deprecating, but a good leader must not be. "
Deborah Tannen
Must
Tough
Man
" I've long believed that if you understand how conversational styles work, you can make adjustments in conversations to get what you want in your relationships. "
Deborah Tannen
You
Long
Relationships
" Mothers subject their daughters to a level of scrutiny people usually reserve for themselves. A mother's gaze is like a magnifying glass held between the sun's rays and kindling. It concentrates the rays of imperfection on her daughter's yearning for approval. The result can be a conflagration - whoosh. "
Deborah Tannen
Result
Daughter
Mother
" Asian cultures... place great value on avoiding open expression of disagreement and conflict because they emphasize harmony. "
Deborah Tannen
Value
Conflict
Great
" My mother cared a lot about clothes. It was a point of friction because when I was a teenager, and I only wanted to wear my father's shirts, and I never wanted to wear makeup, she would say: 'Put on lipstick.' That was her thing. "
Deborah Tannen
Makeup
Father
Clothes
" There is probably no such thing as a level playing field in political campaigns. "
Deborah Tannen
Field
Level
Political
" Our ways of relating to each other become like habits. "
Deborah Tannen
Our
Ways
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" When daughters react with annoyance or even anger at the smallest, seemingly innocent remarks, mothers get the feeling that talking to their daughters can be like walking on eggshells: they have to watch every word. "
Deborah Tannen
Walking
React
Anger
" One of the first studies in the field of gender and language, by Don H. Zimmerman and Candace West in 1975, found that in casual conversations between women and men, women were interrupted far more often. "
Deborah Tannen
Women
Casual
Gender
" You're not from Puerto Rico, so you should say Puerto Rico like all the other people from the place that you come from. "
Deborah Tannen
People
Place
You
" This idea that we should be best friends with our partner of the opposite gender leads toward tremendous frustration. Did you ever notice that while men often refer to their wives as best friends, women usually refer to another woman in that way? "
Deborah Tannen
Frustration
Men
Best
" All of us aspire to be powerful, and we all want to connect with others. "
Deborah Tannen
Powerful
Want
Us