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All Quotes by author - Jon Stewart

" Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. "

" A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.' "

" Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. "

" Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work? "

" I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. "

" I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. "

" I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. "

" If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. "

" If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies. "

" If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets. "

" If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. "

" If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. "

" I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' "

" I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else. "

" I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm. "

" I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. "

" Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. "

" I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food. "

" I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. "

" I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. "

" I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963. "

" I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. "

" Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. "

" Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is. "

" McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. "

" More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had. "

" Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings. "

" President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader. "

" The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. "

" There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! "

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