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" A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.' "

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" I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. "

" Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. "

" You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. "

" I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' "

" If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. "

" We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. "

" I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else. "

" I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. "

" If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets. "

" Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. "

" I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. "

" I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. "

" I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. "

" If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. "

" The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. "

" More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had. "

" Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. "

" There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! "

" Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is. "

" I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm. "

" Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain. "

" I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. "

" Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work? "

" If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. "

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" McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. "