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" Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. "
Jon Stewart
You
Someone
Great
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" I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. "
Jon Stewart
Movies
Actor
I Can
" I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. "
Jon Stewart
Care
Gives
About
" Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. "
Jon Stewart
Inspiration
Greatest
Insomnia
" Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain. "
Jon Stewart
Group
President
Rest
" I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' "
Jon Stewart
Say
Just
Him
" I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. "
Jon Stewart
House
Everyone
Thanksgiving
" If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies. "
Jon Stewart
You
Your
Being
" The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1. "
Jon Stewart
Will
Vote
Look
" If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. "
Jon Stewart
Watch
You
Your
" If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. "
Jon Stewart
Joke
Your
Enough
" Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is. "
Jon Stewart
Know
Army
You
" President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader. "
Jon Stewart
Voting
Much
President
" I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. "
Jon Stewart
Born
Adult
Body
" The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. "
Jon Stewart
Legal
Supreme Court
Ride
" Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work? "
Jon Stewart
Action
Need
Work
" A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.' "
Jon Stewart
Expression
You
Insult
" We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. "
Jon Stewart
Problem
Smoking
Looking
" Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings. "
Jon Stewart
Culture
Tyranny
Just
" I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food. "
Jon Stewart
Atlanta
Shopping
Just
" I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. "
Jon Stewart
Two
Late-Night
Ride
" There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! "
Jon Stewart
You
Comedy
Live
" If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. "
Jon Stewart
Away
American
Liberty
" There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is. "
Jon Stewart
Friends
Jury
People
" Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher? "
Jon Stewart
Smart
Why
You
" If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets. "
Jon Stewart
Satire
You
Streets
" I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm. "
Jon Stewart
Awards
Charm
Time
" I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else. "
Jon Stewart
Feelings
Like
Toy
" McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. "
Jon Stewart
Him
Lawyer
Done
" Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. "
Jon Stewart
Lost
Conservative
America
" I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963. "
Jon Stewart
New
Born
City