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" I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. "

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" If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets. "

" Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher? "

" Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. "

" A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.' "

" Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. "

" I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. "

" Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. "

" I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. "

" More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had. "

" President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader. "

" If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies. "

" I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' "

" I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963. "

" I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else. "

" The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. "

" Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. "

" There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! "

" The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1. "

" If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. "

" There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is. "

" You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. "

" We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. "

" If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. "

" I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. "

" If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. "

" McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. "

" I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. "

" I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. "

" Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain. "

" Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings. "