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" A pun is not bound by the laws which limit nicer wit. It is a pistol let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect. "

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" Anything awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral. "

" The beggar wears all colors fearing none. "

" Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected. "

" Asparagus inspires gentle thoughts. "

" Some people have a knack of putting upon you gifts of no real value, to engage you to substantial gratitude. We thank them for nothing. "

" What is reading, but silent conversation. "

" A book reads the better which is our own, and has been so long known to us, that we know the topography of its blots, and dog's ears, and can trace the dirt in it to having read it at tea with buttered muffins. "

" Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. "

" We gain nothing by being with such as ourselves. We encourage one another in mediocrity. I am always longing to be with men more excellent than myself. "

" Cards are war, in disguise of a sport. "

" Nothing puzzles me more than the time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less. "

" The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth and have it found out by accident. "

" Let us live for the beauty of our own reality. "

" My theory is to enjoy life, but the practice is against it. "

" New Year's Day is every man's birthday. "

" The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive - you are leaking. "

" I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. "

" Clap an extinguisher upon your irony if you are unhappily blessed with a vein of it. "

" Man is a gaming animal. He must always be trying to get the better in something or other. "

" Pain is life - the sharper, the more evidence of life. "

" I have had playmates, I have had companions; In my days of childhood, in my joyful school days - All, all are gone, the old familiar faces. "

" I love to lose myself in other men's minds. "

" The red-letter days, now become, to all intents and purposes, dead-letter days. "

" My motto is: Contented with little, yet wishing for more. "