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" Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. "

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" Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. "

" I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are. "

" It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now. "

" There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer. "

" I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.' "

" I live to laugh, and I laugh to live. "

" The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. "

" Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. "

" We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. "

" People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed. "

" Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient. "

" I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it. "

" I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank? "

" Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places. "

" Laughter is an instant vacation. "

" My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. "

" You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. "

" A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. "

" If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. "

" I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. "

" A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. "

" Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape. "

" If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? "