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" We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. "

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" There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. "

" There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It's embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness. "

" The superfluous, a very necessary thing. "

" Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. "

" The funny thing is, all my friends are short. I wasn't aware of tall people till I got to high school. I didn't know they existed. I was sheltered. "

" It's funny, because I have periods where I just kind of go dark. I don't tweet, I don't talk, I don't interview, and then I have times where I do. "

Lance Armstrong

" It's funny how it usually works out that I end up dying. It sort of works out, because by the time I die, I'm usually tired of working on that particular movie, so I look forward to it. "

" I know the nature of comedy, and you never know what will happen with the next movie or whether people will find it funny. "

" Scenes change all the time. Scenes will change while you're shooting them, and you just have to roll with it 'cause that's what makes it funny. It's not being stuck in your character and how you're gonna do something, but to react to other people and to really have a real-life conversation. "

" From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. "

" If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. "

Laurence J. Peter

" Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. "

" There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices. "

" Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. "

" It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now. "

" I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. "

" We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. "

" I am certain there is too much certainty in the world. "

Michael Crichton

" Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It's a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, 'Isn't it funny that we do that?' It's a way of reaching out. "

" Viral videos aren't just about being funny. They're about identity creation. "

" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things. "

" You can't do anything to be funny. That's cringeworthy. If your humor comes out of a place of love every time, you don't make the joke bigger than you. The funniest comedians are in touch with their emotional level. "

" If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. "

Abraham Lincoln

" I had no desire to get up onstage and tell jokes. I prefer to stand next to really funny people. "

" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

" I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important. "

" Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. "