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" As an individual doing a podcast, you don't get even remotely rich. It's not something to do for money. "

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" Whenever I meet someone who's talented, I always want to write something for them! "

" I've avoided doing network shows because I don't think they're true to real families. "

" In my stand-up, I generally improvise from an outline. "

" Parents have got to chill out. Let your kid eat dirt - they're gonna be fine! "

" I have the bigger iPad, but the Mini is the best. It just seems perfect. The old one seems so big and heavy. I like simple and clean. "

" My kids have played soccer and baseball and basketball, and the parents who come to games are always saying and doing things that are just wildly inappropriate. "

" I like independent movies, documentaries. There's not a lot of movies that are commercially made that I dig. "

" I'm totally comfortable not being as funny as Larry David. "

" The only thing that I demand of the audience is that they listen to what I'm saying. Other than that, they owe me nothing. They don't owe me a thing. "

" I do love directing. It's probably my favorite thing that I do. "

" I like raconteurs; I like conversation. I liked the 'Tonight Show' when it was 90 minutes, I like when people aren't plugging things per se, and they're just in the moment being interesting. "

" Directing is really my favorite thing to do, but if I never directed again, I'd be okay if all the work I did was good. "

" Why do I want to be challenged or have challenges? That's why I don't go climb mountains. "

" Forget 'full of myself,' I'm not remotely impressed with myself. "

" First off, I don't do self-deprecation comedy based on being fat. I would always talk about it honestly. Secondly, I don't care how much I weigh. "

" Certainly early on, I kind of modeled myself after Steve Martin and Bill Murray. I would imitate them sometimes. "

" I never analyze stuff with comedy because it's boring. It makes you stop being funny. Just be who you are and do what you do, and you're either funny or you're not. "

" For me, baseball is more comparable to chess than it is to hockey. "

" I'm from Chicago and it's a huge influence on me. "

" There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. "

" I hate cellphones. They are not for good, they're for evil. They're for gossip. "

" Comedians sometimes forget that there's an audience. You gotta be conscious that you're performing for other human beings. "

" I felt very comfortable about myself when I was much heavier. I feel much better about myself from being fit. "

" I don't think I'm ever going to retire from stand-up, but what I have retired from is working the road every week. "