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" I hate cellphones. They are not for good, they're for evil. They're for gossip. "

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" I don't think I'm ever going to retire from stand-up, but what I have retired from is working the road every week. "

" I'm from Chicago and it's a huge influence on me. "

" My kids have played soccer and baseball and basketball, and the parents who come to games are always saying and doing things that are just wildly inappropriate. "

" There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. "

" The only thing that I demand of the audience is that they listen to what I'm saying. Other than that, they owe me nothing. They don't owe me a thing. "

" I never analyze stuff with comedy because it's boring. It makes you stop being funny. Just be who you are and do what you do, and you're either funny or you're not. "

" Whenever I meet someone who's talented, I always want to write something for them! "

" First off, I don't do self-deprecation comedy based on being fat. I would always talk about it honestly. Secondly, I don't care how much I weigh. "

" As an individual doing a podcast, you don't get even remotely rich. It's not something to do for money. "

" Parents have got to chill out. Let your kid eat dirt - they're gonna be fine! "

" For me, baseball is more comparable to chess than it is to hockey. "

" I felt very comfortable about myself when I was much heavier. I feel much better about myself from being fit. "

" I like independent movies, documentaries. There's not a lot of movies that are commercially made that I dig. "

" I have the bigger iPad, but the Mini is the best. It just seems perfect. The old one seems so big and heavy. I like simple and clean. "

" In my stand-up, I generally improvise from an outline. "

" Why do I want to be challenged or have challenges? That's why I don't go climb mountains. "

" Certainly early on, I kind of modeled myself after Steve Martin and Bill Murray. I would imitate them sometimes. "

" I'm totally comfortable not being as funny as Larry David. "

" I like raconteurs; I like conversation. I liked the 'Tonight Show' when it was 90 minutes, I like when people aren't plugging things per se, and they're just in the moment being interesting. "

" I do love directing. It's probably my favorite thing that I do. "

" Directing is really my favorite thing to do, but if I never directed again, I'd be okay if all the work I did was good. "

" I've avoided doing network shows because I don't think they're true to real families. "

" Forget 'full of myself,' I'm not remotely impressed with myself. "

" Comedians sometimes forget that there's an audience. You gotta be conscious that you're performing for other human beings. "