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" My kids have played soccer and baseball and basketball, and the parents who come to games are always saying and doing things that are just wildly inappropriate. "

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" In my stand-up, I generally improvise from an outline. "

" Certainly early on, I kind of modeled myself after Steve Martin and Bill Murray. I would imitate them sometimes. "

" I don't think I'm ever going to retire from stand-up, but what I have retired from is working the road every week. "

" I don't care what I do - act, stand-up, write, direct - it doesn't matter as long as I'm being creative and it's good work. "

" I have the bigger iPad, but the Mini is the best. It just seems perfect. The old one seems so big and heavy. I like simple and clean. "

" I've avoided doing network shows because I don't think they're true to real families. "

" The only thing that I demand of the audience is that they listen to what I'm saying. Other than that, they owe me nothing. They don't owe me a thing. "

" I'm from Chicago and it's a huge influence on me. "

" I like independent movies, documentaries. There's not a lot of movies that are commercially made that I dig. "

" I hate cellphones. They are not for good, they're for evil. They're for gossip. "

" I do love directing. It's probably my favorite thing that I do. "

" Forget 'full of myself,' I'm not remotely impressed with myself. "

" First off, I don't do self-deprecation comedy based on being fat. I would always talk about it honestly. Secondly, I don't care how much I weigh. "

" As an individual doing a podcast, you don't get even remotely rich. It's not something to do for money. "

" For me, baseball is more comparable to chess than it is to hockey. "

" There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. "

" Why do I want to be challenged or have challenges? That's why I don't go climb mountains. "

" Comedians sometimes forget that there's an audience. You gotta be conscious that you're performing for other human beings. "

" Directing is really my favorite thing to do, but if I never directed again, I'd be okay if all the work I did was good. "

" Whenever I meet someone who's talented, I always want to write something for them! "

" I'm totally comfortable not being as funny as Larry David. "

" I like raconteurs; I like conversation. I liked the 'Tonight Show' when it was 90 minutes, I like when people aren't plugging things per se, and they're just in the moment being interesting. "

" Parents have got to chill out. Let your kid eat dirt - they're gonna be fine! "

" I felt very comfortable about myself when I was much heavier. I feel much better about myself from being fit. "