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All Quotes by author - Jeff Garlin
" As an individual doing a podcast, you don't get even remotely rich. It's not something to do for money. "
Money
You
Doing
" Certainly early on, I kind of modeled myself after Steve Martin and Bill Murray. I would imitate them sometimes. "
Kind
Imitate
Early
" Comedians sometimes forget that there's an audience. You gotta be conscious that you're performing for other human beings. "
Audience
Forget
Human
" Directing is really my favorite thing to do, but if I never directed again, I'd be okay if all the work I did was good. "
Okay
Work
Favorite
" First off, I don't do self-deprecation comedy based on being fat. I would always talk about it honestly. Secondly, I don't care how much I weigh. "
Always
Care
Comedy
" Forget 'full of myself,' I'm not remotely impressed with myself. "
Full
Forget
Impressed
" For me, baseball is more comparable to chess than it is to hockey. "
Me
More
Than
" I do love directing. It's probably my favorite thing that I do. "
Directing
Favorite
Love
" I don't care what I do - act, stand-up, write, direct - it doesn't matter as long as I'm being creative and it's good work. "
Creative
Care
Work
" I don't think I'm ever going to retire from stand-up, but what I have retired from is working the road every week. "
Week
Ever
Going
" I felt very comfortable about myself when I was much heavier. I feel much better about myself from being fit. "
Feel
Comfortable
Better
" I hate cellphones. They are not for good, they're for evil. They're for gossip. "
Evil
Gossip
Good
" I have the bigger iPad, but the Mini is the best. It just seems perfect. The old one seems so big and heavy. I like simple and clean. "
Like
Perfect
Simple
" I like independent movies, documentaries. There's not a lot of movies that are commercially made that I dig. "
Dig
Movies
Independent
" I like raconteurs; I like conversation. I liked the 'Tonight Show' when it was 90 minutes, I like when people aren't plugging things per se, and they're just in the moment being interesting. "
Moment
Show
Interesting
" I'm from Chicago and it's a huge influence on me. "
Chicago
Influence
Me
" I'm totally comfortable not being as funny as Larry David. "
Funny
Totally
Comfortable
" I never analyze stuff with comedy because it's boring. It makes you stop being funny. Just be who you are and do what you do, and you're either funny or you're not. "
Comedy
You
Stop
" In my stand-up, I generally improvise from an outline. "
Improvise
Generally
Stand-Up
" I've avoided doing network shows because I don't think they're true to real families. "
Think
Because
True
" My kids have played soccer and baseball and basketball, and the parents who come to games are always saying and doing things that are just wildly inappropriate. "
Parents
Baseball
Doing
" Parents have got to chill out. Let your kid eat dirt - they're gonna be fine! "
Eat
Kid
Got
" The only thing that I demand of the audience is that they listen to what I'm saying. Other than that, they owe me nothing. They don't owe me a thing. "
Nothing
Audience
Listen
" There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. "
True
People
Treat
" Whenever I meet someone who's talented, I always want to write something for them! "
Them
Want
Write
" Why do I want to be challenged or have challenges? That's why I don't go climb mountains. "
Climb
Challenges
Want
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