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" Did you ever notice that when a politician does get an idea he usually gets it all wrong. "

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" Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness. "

" When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?' "

" The art of newspaper paragraphing is to stroke a platitude until it purrs like an epigram. "

" There is nothing so habit-forming as money. "

" Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to its possessor unless it is kept under control. "

" Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes. "

" Poetry is what Milton saw when he went blind. "

" Ideas pull the trigger, but instinct loads the gun. "

" Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. "

" One of the most important things to remember about infant care is: don't change diapers in midstream. "

" An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. "

" The trouble with the public is that there is too much of it; what we need in public is less quantity and more quality. "

" A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. "

" Successful people are the ones who think up things for the rest of the world to keep busy at. "

" Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. "

" In all systems of theology the devil figures as a male person. Yes, it is women who keep the church going. "

" A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. "

" Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it. "

" Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into. "

" The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race. "

" Man cannot be uplifted; he must be seduced into virtue. "

" In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child's parent or grandparent. "

" By the time a bartender knows what drink a man will have before he orders, there is little else about him worth knowing. "

" Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. "

Procrastination

" A hypocrite is a person who - but who isn't? "

" Some persons are likeable in spite of their unswerving integrity. "

" Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever. "

" Fate often puts all the material for happiness and prosperity into a man's hands just to see how miserable he can make himself with them. "

" An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. "

" A demagogue is a person with whom we disagree as to which gang should mismanage the country. "