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" Golf is the only sport where watching the game is arguably as grueling physically as playing it. "

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" I don't think anybody's quite accurately branded me. I'm not sure I could do it myself. "

" I'm pretty sure people are going to start writing letters again once the email fad passes. "

" When you live in New York City, you run up a long list of things you've been meaning to do. "

" My dad was always fascinated and amused by Trump, so I learned to be fascinated and amused by Trump. "

" It's fun to deliver material on live TV because it's more off-the-cuff, but I like writing better. You really can measure the joke, think an extra second and nail the right reference. "

" In our deepest places, we all wish we could live like Raoul Duke for a while. "

" Everyone worries about their kids, of course, but you can drive yourself nuts thinking about all the horrible things in the world - and many, many people do. I believe life is to be lived and not survived. "

" High on the list of things I've been meaning to do since I moved to New York in 2004 is going up to a Columbia University football game. "

" Like a lot of kids, I had a Superman cake or different theme cakes, but then I hit the age where I think my mom thought I was ready for the German chocolate cake that she makes for my dad. Just the sight of that, the taste of that frosting, just reminds me of being at home with my mom and my dad and my sister and my friends. "

" I'm 6-foot-4. If my life depended on it, I could still dunk a basketball. Then I would need assistance from a first responder to get down from the rim. "

" I was a big Dave Winfield guy growing up. "

" I hate to make this point too often, but imagine for a moment George W. Bush were on his sixth vacation, and he was asked about Iraq, and he said 'I'm buying shrimp.' You think that wouldn't be a headline everywhere? "

" I have a simple plan to solve the economic crisis. Give every American a $100 credit to the dog track of their choice. I have found the puppies to be a reliable source of income with a consistent rate of return. "

" I often eat Skippy's Super Chunk peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. I don't shamefully sneak it in the dark of night when everyone is in bed. I just twist that cap off and go to town right out in the open. "

" I've had two pedicures in my life, and they were glorious. "

" My daughter will be reading about Pat Buchanan in a history book someday, and I am hanging out fist-bumping with him and joking with him. "

" I keep my politics a little closer to me than others do. "

" I can't say for sure where I was headed the first time my mom put a blue blazer on me. Church, probably. West Side Presbyterian in Ridgewood, New Jersey, specifically, where my blazer was paired with a clip-on tie and a pair of khakis for a Sunday morning with my fellow congregants. "

" Unintentional comedy is comedy just the same. "

" Chris Rock is a very funny man. "

" You don't really have to say much when your headline is 'Drag Queen Robs Burger King.' Sometimes comedy writes itself. "

" I was a landscaper for three years and loved it. "

" If the relentless personal maintenance plan has taken over your life, give it a rest. "

" An ideal day starts with putting on a good, smart, fun show where I learn something and ends with me fending off atomic knee drops from my two kids in our no-holds-barred pillow fight/steel cage matches. They are a ruthless tag team. "

" The nice thing about 'Morning Joe' is that I do get to do serious news sometimes. "

" People know the facts of a story just as well as the people on TV do, and they have more platforms to hold the media accountable when they don't get it right. We are a world full of media experts. That's a great thing. "

" Watching 'CSI: Miami' is like watching 'Teen Jeopardy!' or doing the crossword puzzle in 'People' magazine. It makes you feel smart even when you're not. "

" I got into television in 1998 when I didn't have a computer or even an email address. "

" My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door. "

" Landing on 'Morning Joe' wasn't a fluke. I was a poli sci major in college. I interned at the CBS political unit, covered conventions. "