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" I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time. "

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" The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are. "

" If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night. "

" Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am. "

" No, I love Montreal... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there. "

" The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness. "

" Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand. "

" I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great. "

" I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there. "

" Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist. "

" I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style. "

" I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men. "

" I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming. "

" Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice. "

" I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun. "

" Have I gone too far? "

" So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits. "

" I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown. "

" I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list. "

" I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard. "

" That's life when you're on the D-list. "

" My act is based on my life. "

" The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends. "

" So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it. "

" I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography. "