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" I don't like awards ceremonies. I'd sooner go to the pub with mates I've known for years. "

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" I think it's bad for fellas when they lose their mothers. Mine was such a character. Oh it was sad, really sad. And, with her gone, the family home was gone, so what was left of any roots I had were completely dug up. "

" Times are hard and friends are few. "

" Writing is such a solitary existence, and I can only do it late at night. "

" I make a wonderful cure-all called Four Thieves, just like my mum did. It's cider vinegar, 36 cloves of garlic and four herbs, representing four looters of plague victims' homes in 1665 who had their sentences reduced from burning at the stake to hanging for explaining the recipe that kept them from catching the plague. "

" When my dog Buster died, I couldn't get over it. I was in bits. "

" I can eat beef, provided it's minced in disguise. I couldn't eat a gammon steak. Forget it. "

" I don't go for glamour roles. "

" The worst drivers are women in people carriers, men in white vans and anyone in a baseball cap. That's just about everyone. "

" I love looking after animals. I find it very enjoyable. "

" Channel 4 are a great bunch of people to work with and the crew are lovely. Working at ITV was like being in the court of Caligula. "

" I like to travel, and I would love to be fluent in at least four languages. "

" Comedy, your funny bone, is formed in childhood. "

" I don't want to sit until I'm 90 with people running around after me. I'm not one for sitting on the couch. "

" I don't live with people, that's why my relationships last. I'm not romantic. Even when I was a teenager if somebody asked if they could hold my hand I'd say, - no, it's not heavy, I can hold it myself, thank you'. "

" I dress up as a middle-aged prostitute and do a game show. "

" My primary school teacher once poured a bottle of curdled school milk forcefully down my throat. Then I threw it up all over her suede shoes. I'd rather have drunk from the spittoon in Barney's barber shop. "

" I am quite happy to take a cut. You've got to, if you want to work and continue working. "

" I like working with kids; they keep you going. "

" I'd rather do community service than sit and write a load of Christmas cards. "

" I only like doing live telly. It's great because you go in and do it and then go home. No edit, no retakes. "

" I went to work for the Civil Service. I'd wanted to work for the Ministry of Defence because I had some far-fetched idea that it had something to do with the Avengers, but I ended up in Social Security. "

" Taking a pay cut won't demotivate me, not at all. It's not about money in the first place. It's about the job. "

" I was born late - what my mother calls the last kick of a dying horse. There's three of us children, but I'm 13 or 14 years younger than my brother and sister. "

" It's become normal for me to walk on set as Popeye, Frankenstein or an Elf or even a chicken. "

" I know it's a cliche, but I didn't want to work in an office. "

" Mum and Dad died of heart problems, my grandparents died of it, my sister has had mini strokes, my brother has had a heart attack - it's genetic; there's nothing I can do. "

" I still consider myself working class. I know my circumstances have changed dramatically since I was growing up back in Birkenhead. "

" I was Popeye mad when I was a kid, and I'd eat spinach until the cows came home. "