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" I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust. "

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" I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference. "

" I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election. "

" Facts and data, rather than opinion, are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem! "

" You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship. "

" I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form. "

" I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did. "

" Comedy is the only hope for humanity. "

" I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy. "

" Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head. "

" The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. "

" I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too. "

" I think I should be here alone to rethink the world - I do. I want these lesser humans gone. "

" I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool. "

" I'm kosher except for times where I eat pork and shellfish. "

" The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. "

" You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing. "

" I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.' "

" Meditation state is a place of deep relaxation where you can pinpoint the things you do and to set a paradigm switch from effect to cause. So how to be a cause in your own life. "

" Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it. "

" A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that. "

" I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas. "

" Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family. "

" I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show. "

" My real life is funnier than anything on TV. "

" Both the Democratic and Republican parties are bought and paid for by corporate America and cater to the needs of the highest bidder as opposed to the people they claim to represent. I cannot be bought. "

" I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S. "

" And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny. "

" I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out. "

" Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce. "

" I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't going just to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more. "