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" Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it. "

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" Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian. "

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Heaven

Just

" Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room. "

" I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them. "

" I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did. "

Roseanne Barr

Nobody

Father

" I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird? "

" I gave Joss Whedon and Judd Apatow their first writing jobs, as well as many other untried writers who went on to great success. "

" I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't going just to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more. "

" I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S. "

Roseanne Barr

President

Become

" I know how to do anything, I'm a mom. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of show business. "

" Anyone with a show on T.V. will tell you it's backbreaking work. And if you have a big personality, which I have, and you're a perfectionist, there's going to be head-butting. "

" I'm very introspective, and I mostly don't talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place. "

" My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact. "

" You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.' "

" Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us? "

" Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head. "

" I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show. "

" You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right. "

" I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas. "

Roseanne Barr

Get

Vegas

" There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads. "

" I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff. "

" It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it. "

Roseanne Barr

You

Shut Up

" The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians. "

" You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship. "

" The American people are sick and tired of this 'lesser evil' garbage they get fed every election year. Both the Democrats and the Republicans do the same evils once they're in office. "

" I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference. "

" I'm kosher except for times where I eat pork and shellfish. "

" Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor. "

" I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things. "

" In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth. "