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" I think I should be here alone to rethink the world - I do. I want these lesser humans gone. "

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" I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did. "

" I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.' "

" Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive? "

" As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job. "

" Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with. "

" I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form. "

" I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful. "

" I know how to do anything, I'm a mom. "

" Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself. "

" I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself. "

" My real life is funnier than anything on TV. "

" I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three. "

" I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them. "

" I'm kosher except for times where I eat pork and shellfish. "

" Growing up in a Jewish matriarchal world inside the patriarchal paradise of Salt Lake City, Utah, gave me increased perspective on gender issues, as it also did my gay brother and my lesbian sister. Our younger sister is the perfect Jewish-American wife and mother, and is fiercely proud of that fact. "

" I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty. "

" Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too. "

" I'm very introspective, and I mostly don't talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place. "

" Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids. "

" I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust. "

" I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.' "

" The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. "

" I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S. "

" We're not meant to be parents when we're 50. "

" I gave Joss Whedon and Judd Apatow their first writing jobs, as well as many other untried writers who went on to great success. "

" I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out. "

" I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions. "

" In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth. "

" It's not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won't. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of show business. "