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" There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid. "

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" My father left Ireland because he did not want to muck horse manure for the rest of his life, and he wanted to come to New York. "

" If you had no enemies, you had no fun. "

" Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish. "

" My dad was very much a John Wayne kind of guy, but he was also a great guy, great sense of humor, a real dedicated dad. I don't think he ever missed a hockey game I was in. "

" What firefighters and people in our military and cops do is separate from what the rest of us do; basically these people say, 'I'm going to protect all these strangers.' "

" I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with. "

" I bought my daughter a Chihuahua and I fell in love with it. So now I carry Coco around with me all the time. "

" I like Jesus, I mean, I think he was a good guy. "

" My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance. "

" First of all, I have to have trucks because I live most of my time on a horse farm, so I've gotta have trucks. It's in the northeast; I've got to have pickup trucks to move snow, number one. Number two, just if I'm driving, I don't have to have an SUV, but I want a big car. "

" When I was doing standup, I always wanted to get out of the standup world and take it back into the theatrical world, like with 'No Cure For Cancer.' "

" Vacuuming is great. I do the laundry. I love washing machines. I'm the maid in my house. "

" The best comedy audiences in the country and this is tried and true, I'm not just saying it, in my opinion are Boston, Atlanta, and Chicago. "

" Most people don't know how underpaid and often ill-equipped urban fire departments are across North America. "

" I think it's a shame when you come across young actors and musicians who haven't had the time to learn their craft. It doesn't matter if it's acting or music; you really have to learn how to do it from the bottom up because unless you have a great work ethic... fame is a terrible thing to have. "

" People saying, 'Life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.' Welcome to the club. I wanted to be the starting center-fielder for the Boston Red Sox, for chrissakes! "

" If you see me doing a new stand-up special, it probably means I've been out of work for a while. "

" Good actors, especially when they know their character, will come in and either tell you in advance that they have an idea, or in the middle of the rehearsal or the scene they'll let it loose and you go, 'Ah that's great.' "

" If you do good work, it tends to stick around. People still come up to me and say, 'The Ref' is my favorite Christmas movie.' "

" I have a lot of conservative views on a lot of things. "

" I'm not saying being a comedian is brain surgery, but it is definitely - it's like being a carpenter. You learn how to make tables and chairs. You have to have the right tools, and you have to know how to put the thing together, right? "

" Most of the women placed in the fire department here in New York never passed the physical test. And a fat guy or a short guy, or anybody not passing the test in a life-or-death job, leads to friction. "

" It says on the back of the Nyquil box, 'May cause drowsiness.' It should say, 'Don't make any plans, OK? Kiss your family and friends good-bye.' "

" Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh. "

" Let me tell you something: I love the Yankees. And let me tell you why: because without the Yankees, there is nobody to hate. "

" I don't really have a lot of fun playing just straight good guys. It's not my thing. It's like Tom Hanks territory. "

" When I go to Batman movies, I always think, 'Man, I would like to be a bad guy in a Batman movie.' especially as they got darker when they go to the Christian Bale era. "

" I remember 9/11; we had 'Comics Come Home' about a month after those events. That night, even the comedians were concerned. Would the audience be ready to laugh? It was a release for everyone. "

" I don't want a president like me! I suck, okay. I want an elitist, smart guy. "

" George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, most gifted stand-up comedian who will ever live. "