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" I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling. "

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" My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless. "

" I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. "

" They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults. "

" At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you? "

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" I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. "

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" Do you know it was a year a ago today? "

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" Does anybody know what I'm doing up here? "

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" I was born nine months premature. "

" My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. "

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" I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it. "

" A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked. "