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" My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings. "
Jay London
Stockings
Her
Bought
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" A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock. "
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Me
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" Do you know it was a year a ago today? "
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Today
You
Year
" I model irregular clothing. "
Jay London
Irregular
Model
Clothing
" You know what burns me? Matches. "
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Me
Know
Burns
" I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it. "
Jay London
Military
Convinced
Off
" I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm. "
Jay London
Girl
Weather
Up
" At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you? "
Jay London
Country
You
Wonder
" I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling. "
Jay London
Store
Record
Out
" I was born nine months premature. "
Jay London
I Was Born
Nine
Born
" I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me. "
Jay London
Wants
Theft
Need
" Does anybody know what I'm doing up here? "
Jay London
Up
Doing
Anybody
" A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked. "
Jay London
Information
Guy
Job
" It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. "
Jay London
Funny
Roll
Started
" I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. "
Jay London
Tonight
Watching
Funny
" My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. "
Jay London
Me
Mood
Playground
" I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. "
Jay London
Loss
Hair
Out
" I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world. "
Jay London
Nightmares
He
Said
" I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough. "
Jay London
You
Army
Enough
" I saw a stationery store move. "
Jay London
Saw
Store
Move
" I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road. "
Jay London
Here
Tonight
Road
" People read me but they don't subscribe. "
Jay London
Me
Subscribe
Read
" They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults. "
Jay London
Euthanasia
Thought
Said
" I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time. "
Jay London
Time
Could
Go
" My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese. "
Jay London
Say
Pictures
Family