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" I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. "

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" There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. "

Jean Baudrillard

" Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don't mind laughing at it before you guys do. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I'll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be 'comedies' and not 'female' or 'male,' and everyone gets an equal opportunity. "

" The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.' "

Richard Branson

" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

" Men are only as loyal as their options. "

" My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. "

" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "

" I'm not funny. What I am is brave. "

" If I feel you're funny, I want to work with you. "

Danielle Schneider

" We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again. "

" I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. "

" We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder. "

" Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. "

" If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. "

" What's funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can't wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, 'Can you do these for my son's Bar Mitzvah?' "

" I'm going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I'm going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do. "

" One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. "

Franklin P. Jones

" I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. "

" If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry. "

" I wanted to be that quirky girl who writes funny songs that still have meaning. "

" I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits. "

" Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. "

" I wasn't close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time - good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. "

" Most of my show is true; like, 90% of everything I say on stage is true. I just have to find the way to make it funny - that's the difficult thing. "

" He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. "

Raymond Chandler