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" I saw a stationery store move. "

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" All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don't have an answer but I just try to plough straight ahead. "

" Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. "

" The human brain is a funny thing: it's very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential. "

" It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. "

" To me, the funniest American of the Twentieth Century is Richard Nixon because he had the most to hide, and he was so bad at hiding it. To me, that's what's really funny - people who think they're doing a great job of hiding stuff, and it just keeps leaking out. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" The fact is I'm choosy, but mainly about a man's character. He has to be interesting, funny and clever. I don't even mind if he's not very good-looking. "

" You see much more of your children once they leave home. "

" I look out at the stadiums full of people and see them all knowing the words to songs I wrote. And curling their hair! I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. And wonderful. "

" It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness. "

" If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. "

Laurence J. Peter

" Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. "

" I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" To handle that stardom, the red carpets, the photo shoots, people all of a sudden recognizing you and following you in everyday life, it's a bit weird. It's strange, and it can have funny effects on you in terms of do you like it or don't you like it. Some people run away from it, some people embrace it; I found a good middle ground. "

" After all is said and done, sit down. "

" Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. "

" When I was born I owed twelve dollars. "

George S. Kaufman

" If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. "

" When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. "

" I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. "

" I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. "

Flannery O'Connor

" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "

" It's funny, because what happens to me when I read a script, when something grabs hold of me, I start getting these flashes of people or places or things or images. "

" A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked. "

" Leave America and you'll find that the consumers in many other countries enjoy watching advertising. Not because the products are better, but because the ads are produced to be entertaining. Sometimes they are funny. Sometimes they are dramatic. Sometimes they are just beautiful. "

" My favourite comedian, of course, is Tim Conway. He has a way about him - being that belly-laugh kind of funny, and he has the improvisational skills, too. I've never seen anybody better. "

" I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time. "

" I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it. "

" I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. "

" I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. "