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" My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. "

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" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

" I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. "

Flannery O'Connor

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" Back in the '70s, like one of my favorite movies ever was 'The Bad News Bears', and that was a kids' movie, but I don't think of it that way. I think of it as just a great movie because Walter Matthau was so funny and so harsh with those kids. "

" An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. "

" Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. "

" I'm crazy, funny, and good looking! "

" I regret behaving badly when I was younger. I did not know any better at the time. The thing is that the incidents that I caused were not funny... Youth is wasted on the young. It is better to have the wisdom of an old man in a young body... I was a bit foolish and teased people, trying to be funny. "

" What was really funny is that as I got older all those guys who called me a sissy in junior high school wanted me to be their best friend because they wanted to meet all the girls that I knew in figure skating. "

" We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. "

" As for our majority... one is enough. "

Benjamin Disraeli

" Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. "

Alfred Hitchcock

" As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're laughing at me because I'm not funny. And I'm thinking, 'Who cares? They're laughing.' If you go on stage, and they're laughing at you full-on for 60 minutes? You know, whatever puts them in the seats. "

Larry the Cable Guy

" Sometimes I'm really funny, sometimes I'm quiet, sometimes I'm shy, but I'm constantly changing. "

" Fencing is a funny sport. Competitive fencing is not really very applicable to the stage world unless you're fighting with a rapier during the Renaissance, you know? "

Kris Holden-Ried

" Just telling the facts are no longer enough. You now have to be persuasive, charismatic, interesting, and funny. Just telling people things isn't enough anymore. "

Milo Yiannopoulos

" I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far. "

" The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes. "

William Feather

" I was always good at being observationally funny - like, contributing something funny to the conversation. "

" The men I idolized built their bodies and became somebody - like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger - and I thought, 'That can be me.' So I started working out. The funny thing is I didn't realize back then that I was having a defining moment. "

" I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. "

" I heard that people were really interested in the new haircut, which I think is so funny. Great haircut, I really like it. It goes great with the time period. And I was super, super, super-happy to have my bangs swept to the side rather than straight in front of me, which I dealt with for three seasons. I'm very, very much done with that. "

" My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. "

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat. "

Arnold Schwarzenegger

" If I get dressed up, and my boyfriend says, 'You look gorgeous,' I kinda feel funny. I don't know if I'm particularly comfortable with being attractive. "

" I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared. "

" I have found that people who really want to work at 'Saturday Night Live' and pursue it get pretty close. You have to be funny - but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it's kind of nice in that way - there's a lot of people who say, 'I just always wanted to do this, and now I'm doing it.' "

" Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome. "

" Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. "