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" If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. "

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" I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up. "

" If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone. "

" Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. "

" I don't read enough books, so I guess I'm pretty shallow. I'm a lot into the physical. With me, first attraction is never intellectual. "

" I'm not a comedian. And I'm not sick. The world is sick, and I'm the doctor. I'm a surgeon with a scalpel for false values. "

" I would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate, and their comment would be, 'He's really slaughtering Nixon.' Then we would all go to another apartment, and the Nixon fans would say, 'How do you like the shellacking he gave Kennedy?' "

" Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it. "

" A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know. "

" The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter. "

" The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. "

" All my humor is based on destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing in the bread line - right in back of J. Edgar Hoover. "

" Communism is like one big phone company. "

" I don't have an act. I just talk. I'm just Lenny Bruce. "

" Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. "

" I'll die young, but it's like kissing God. "

" Today, I give my daughter what I really didn't have as a kid: all the silly, dumb, extravagant, frilly, nonfunctional toys I can force on her. She probably wants an encyclopedia. "

" In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. "

" When you're eight years old nothing is your business. "

" There are never enough I Love You's. "

" The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds. "

" If God made the body, and the body is dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer. "

" The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't. "

" The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is. "