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" I don't read enough books, so I guess I'm pretty shallow. I'm a lot into the physical. With me, first attraction is never intellectual. "

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" If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. "

" If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone. "

" Today, I give my daughter what I really didn't have as a kid: all the silly, dumb, extravagant, frilly, nonfunctional toys I can force on her. She probably wants an encyclopedia. "

" The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is. "

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" Communism is like one big phone company. "

" If God made the body, and the body is dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer. "

" All my humor is based on destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing in the bread line - right in back of J. Edgar Hoover. "

" The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. "

" The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't. "

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" I don't have an act. I just talk. I'm just Lenny Bruce. "

" I'm not a comedian. And I'm not sick. The world is sick, and I'm the doctor. I'm a surgeon with a scalpel for false values. "

" I would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate, and their comment would be, 'He's really slaughtering Nixon.' Then we would all go to another apartment, and the Nixon fans would say, 'How do you like the shellacking he gave Kennedy?' "

" The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter. "

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" In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. "

" When you're eight years old nothing is your business. "