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" The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. "

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" Communism is like one big phone company. "

" In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. "

" The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is. "

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" If God made the body, and the body is dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer. "

" I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do. "

" If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. "

" A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know. "

" The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds. "

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" All my humor is based on destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing in the bread line - right in back of J. Edgar Hoover. "

" I'm not a comedian. And I'm not sick. The world is sick, and I'm the doctor. I'm a surgeon with a scalpel for false values. "

" Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it. "

" Today, I give my daughter what I really didn't have as a kid: all the silly, dumb, extravagant, frilly, nonfunctional toys I can force on her. She probably wants an encyclopedia. "

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" The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't. "

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" The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter. "

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