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" I'm incapable of feeling any joy. "

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" After I perform 'My Girlfriend's Boyfriend,' it takes a lot out of me emotionally; and, at the end of it, I feel like I know the audience and the audience knows me. It's this weird unspoken bond that we'll kind of always have with each other. "

" I am intimidating no one in America. No one feels like they are below me in any way. They feel like they are absolutely either at or above my level and 100-percent comfortable talking to me. "

" The ability to workshop in stand-up comedy is incomparable to any art form, in my opinion. "

" I love pizza. I want to marry it, but it would just be to eat her family at the wedding. "

" If you tried to sell Mike Birbiglia as a concept, no one would buy it. "

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" You know the quickest way to get comedians to hate you? Do Letterman at age 24. "

" Once you've made your first feature, you know what you can do wrong and how hard it is to shoot a feature. Before you do it, you just don't know how hard it is. Once you've done it, when you're writing a second one, it's almost like you're preparing, and it's almost holding you back. "

" Pain is funnier than love. "

" Jokes are so personal, and they bring us together in so many ways. "

" I love 'Bullets Over Broadway,' but I'm pretty sure Woody Allen hasn't killed somebody. "

" I always try to attack the most honest issues I can in my comedy. "

" I almost can't even put to words how happy I am that I got married. "

" I feel like being a door person was like college in a sense. I could watch comedy on a professional level seven nights a week without paying, and they would pay me a nominal amount of money to be there. "

" When I moved to New York, I was wide-eyed. I was nice to everyone, which comedians hate. "

" With a monologue, you can be unendingly elliptical. "

" I'm going to end up making twenty films if people let me. "

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" Sometimes I take this women's exercise class called Core Fusion at a place called Exhale. I shouldn't say it's a women's class. There's maybe two men. "

" Film is so immersive. "

" I've actually always wanted to write like a one-person show that was sort of a romantic comedy - a show that was kind of cynical about romance and marriage but ultimately embraced it. Because I feel like comedy is always cynical, inherently, because it's contrarian. "

" It used to be that if you got on 'The Tonight Show,' your career was made. Now, if you're on 'The Tonight Show,' maybe 14 more people show up to your gig in Tulsa. "

" I just don't give off a great first impression. "

First Impression

" There are comedians who focus on everything that is external. They focus on politics and the news, what's going on in that city and that night. "

" You get to the end of something, you're laughing, you're like, 'That's funny, and that's funny,' and then you get to the end, and the credits come down, and you're like, 'That's it?! That's the whole thing?! You had me here for that?!' I just don't want to do that. "

" When I started out, I really struggled as a comic because no one knew who I was, and sometimes I was telling stories, so it would take a while for people to get on board for things. "

" In some sense, Comedy Central has made their audience into comedy connoisseurs. "

" Someone gave me a piece of advice once, my first manager Lucien Hold. He said, 'If you do stand-up about your own life, no one can steal it.' I always thought that was the best piece of advice. "

" I think the thing I had to be careful about while writing a book was not to say anything that was revealing about other people that they would be uncomfortable with. I didn't want to make people angry - that's a real risk. "

" Fortunately, I don't talk about politics on stage. "