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" After I perform 'My Girlfriend's Boyfriend,' it takes a lot out of me emotionally; and, at the end of it, I feel like I know the audience and the audience knows me. It's this weird unspoken bond that we'll kind of always have with each other. "

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" Growing up, I was discouraged from telling personal stories. My dad often used the phrase 'Don't tell anyone.' But not about creepy things. I don't want to lead you down the wrong path. It would be about insignificant things. Like, I wouldn't make the soccer team, and my father would say, 'Don't tell anyone.' "

Mike Birbiglia

Soccer

Team

Father

" Directing your first film is like showing up to the field trip in seventh grade, getting on the bus, and making an announcement, 'So today I'm driving the bus.' And everybody's like, 'What?' And you're like, 'I'm gonna drive the bus.' And they're like, 'But you don't know how to drive the bus.' "

" I feel like people have more in common than the news reports. People getting along doesn't sell very well in the news. I find that to be deeply depressing. "

Mike Birbiglia

Feel

People

" I feel like being a door person was like college in a sense. I could watch comedy on a professional level seven nights a week without paying, and they would pay me a nominal amount of money to be there. "

Mike Birbiglia

Money

Week

" My first car was, as depicted in 'Sleepwalk with Me,' my mother's '92 Volvo station wagon that had 80,000 miles on it, and I had put 40,000 miles on it, so by the time it retired it had 120,000, and I basically killed it. It served me well, and my mechanic was always very angry with me because I just didn't properly care for it. "

Mike Birbiglia

Mother

Care

" There are comedians who focus on everything that is external. They focus on politics and the news, what's going on in that city and that night. "

" I like 'Donnie Darko;' it's a cool take on dreams and sleep. "

" Every comedian comes to a fork in the road where they have to decide if they're going to make jokes about other people or make jokes about themselves. I chose myself. "

" Everything about starting out in comedy is pride-swallowing, from handing out fliers to bombing in front of audiences. "

" Random people, celebrities of note come to your shows over the years, and I've had some really strange ones. Like the guy from Kiss. Gene Simmons has literally been in the audience at my shows, like, four times. I don't know if he knows me; he's just a big fan of comedy. "

" The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is. "

" Over the years, I managed to develop this comedy career, went from opening act to headliner at comedy clubs, to playing concert halls, and had an off-Broadway show with 'Sleepwalk With Me.' "

Mike Birbiglia

Concert

Opening

" When I was growing up, I didn't know who Jewish people were, what it was to be Jewish. "

Mike Birbiglia

Know

People

" Film is so immersive. "

Mike Birbiglia

Film

" I consider Lena Dunham a comedian. "

" I actually wasn't really the class clown growing up. The class clown was always the mean guy who walked up and was like, 'You're fat. You're gay. I'm outta here!' I was always more kind of awkward and introspective. "

" I love pizza. I want to marry it, but it would just be to eat her family at the wedding. "

" Sometimes you'll have a heckler who's actually attempting to be supportive, but you don't realize it. Their way of expressing it is kind of confusing. "

" Pain is funnier than love. "

" Fortunately, I don't talk about politics on stage. "

" I got out of school in 2000, and I always wanted to be on 'This American Life,' since I first started telling stories. And that, I mean, that show is a little bit of a fortress. It's really hard to get stuff on that show. "

" With a monologue, you can be unendingly elliptical. "

Mike Birbiglia

You

Monologue

" I gravitated toward stand-up because there's no overhead. I mean, literally, there's no overhead: Often, you're outdoors performing in front of groups of people. "

" When I was in high school I saw Steven Wright, a brilliant one-liner comedian, and I thought: 'That's what I should do; I should write one-liners.' And I did. My first album is mostly one-liners. "

" The moment I walk into a room, I have kind of like the Terminator's tracking system for where the food is, and I can get there immediately. "

" Making a film is beyond exciting. It's so exciting, it's exhausting. "

" How many people do you know who have thrown up on the Scrambler or a carnival ride? A lot of people, is the answer. "

Mike Birbiglia

Ride

People

" I love Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. "

" One of my favorite comedies of all time is 'Terms of Endearment;' that's my pace. "

" I always have the best story at the party. Anyone telling a story at a party is like, 'No, no, you've got to listen to my story!' I'm like, 'Step aside, everybody. I'm going to blow the doors off this place.' "