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" I love 'Bullets Over Broadway,' but I'm pretty sure Woody Allen hasn't killed somebody. "

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" I always try to attack the most honest issues I can in my comedy. "

" Sometimes you'll have a heckler who's actually attempting to be supportive, but you don't realize it. Their way of expressing it is kind of confusing. "

" There's nothing funny the first time about telling a story about getting beat up and it makes you leave high school. "

" I am intimidating no one in America. No one feels like they are below me in any way. They feel like they are absolutely either at or above my level and 100-percent comfortable talking to me. "

" Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that's the joke. You're the joke later.' "

" I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness. "

" I've yet to write a stand-up show that isn't autobiographical. "

Autobiographical

" I always have the best story at the party. Anyone telling a story at a party is like, 'No, no, you've got to listen to my story!' I'm like, 'Step aside, everybody. I'm going to blow the doors off this place.' "

" I actually wasn't really the class clown growing up. The class clown was always the mean guy who walked up and was like, 'You're fat. You're gay. I'm outta here!' I was always more kind of awkward and introspective. "

" I've found, being in Los Angeles, it's like living in a live-action Planet Hollywood. "

" Louis C.K. directs his show, which is very much like a series of short films. "

" Sometimes my fans are too nice. "

" I feel like everyone wants to make a movie that they feel passionate about watching. "

" I always live tweet 'SNL.' "

" Prose is all about embellishing and describing. "

" My wife and I always comment that our lives are relatively mundane. She's a writer as well, I'm a writer, we spend most of our time writing, and kind of going to yoga in Brooklyn. "

" I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But they're also the hardest to convert into comedy at the outset. "

" As artists, we'd all love to not be commercial - to not sell out to the full extent that we are able. But you do what you have to do to pay New York rent and continue to do what you feel strongly about. "

" When you're in high school, you can't even imagine the concept of what the rest of your life even means. "

" The Hollywood model is to develop scripts for 10 years, sell them, transfer them, attach this actor, then attach a director. This isn't what I'm about. I'm much more of a creator and a doer. "

" Sometimes I take this women's exercise class called Core Fusion at a place called Exhale. I shouldn't say it's a women's class. There's maybe two men. "

" I am diagnosed with what's called 'REM behavior disorder.' As far as the disorder goes, there's no cure, but it's going pretty well as far as these things go. I see a sleep doctor, take medication, etc. "

" If you tried to sell Mike Birbiglia as a concept, no one would buy it. "

" You know the expression, 'You're only as sick as your secrets?' I believe that, and I think I try to have my work live by that to a degree. "

" People are making better and better small budge independent films these days. "

" Essentially, retweets are like laughs. "

" There are comedians who focus on everything that is external. They focus on politics and the news, what's going on in that city and that night. "

" Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody. "

" If you're asked something on a movie set and you say 'I don't know,' you lose confidence in every department. What you need to say is 'I'll have that for you in five minutes.' "

" Every sleep doctor I've talked to said it was an urban legend that you shouldn't wake up a sleepwalker. All that will happen is that you will get condescended to. "