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" I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It's partly just the way I talk - I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I'm your 150-year-old grandmother. "

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" I actually very rarely see comedy myself, and although I admire the work of some comics, it does come from all over, so I'll get a charge out of some fiction writers and poets. "

Dylan Moran

Comedy

Work

See

" You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself. "

" I don't go to different countries to criticise their political system and tell them what they should be doing - what do I know? "

Dylan Moran

System

Political

" I draw hundreds and hundreds of pictures of sort of gnarly looking men, so I don't know what that tells you. People who look like... they're waiting for a sandwich that's never going to come. I don't know what's wrong with me. "

Dylan Moran

Know

Looking

" The terror of failure can make you feel like a failure. So a bunch of people think you're not very good at your thing. How much do you invest in what they say? How much do you care? Failure is not putting yourself on the line. "

" I fear we might be losing the basic human facility to be alone - and with that you throw out independent decision-making, what to trust, what not to trust; key stuff - a perilous loss. "

" I get a phone call once every 18 months from some mad person who wants me to do something for less than no money and they give me about a week's notice. That's my film career, most of the time. "

" Do your own thing. Speak in your voice. "

" There's always a host of voices you're inspired by. I love Don DeLillo, and I love Isaac Bashevis Singer, and I love Beckett, and I love Pinter. He's one of the funniest voices in English literature since Dickens. "

" The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty. "

" I did throw a lot of eggs into one basket, as you do in your teenage years - 'I am buying these records, I am wearing this'. I did quite a bit of that. You have to do it, wear your stupid shoes, wear your stupid hair. "

" I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me. "

Dylan Moran

Recognition

Low

" I do not walk around imaging myself to be intimidating or smart. "

" The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms. "

" I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it. "

" I'm fascinated by how you'll change your position so many times over a lifetime, but really what you're doing is occupying a series of positions on a landscape. "

" I'm very drawn to Eastern Europe, so I like a Hungarian writer who wrote in French called Emil Cioran; he was always good for giving me such a stir. "

Dylan Moran

Giving

Writer

" You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up. "

" Children are the most honest critics. They will say 'You're funny', but also 'You're pathetic - go away.' "

" The measure of a conversation is how much mutual recognition there is in it; how much shared there is in it. If you're talking about what's in your own head, or without thought to what people looking and listening will feel, you might as well be in a room talking to yourself. "

" It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book. "

" The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job. "

" Maybe this is just me, but as time goes by, I'm more bewildered by modernity. It gets more unfathomable with every passing year. "

Dylan Moran

Time Goes By

Time

" I'm organised in some ways, but not in others. "

" I'm just a guy who happens to work in public from time to time. I've built a reputation as an established comic, not as a celebrity - a celebrity is someone who is famous but doesn't do anything. "

" I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist. "

" Irish people give big hellos and very little goodbyes. Unless they're female, and then they spend five hours talking in the doorway to the person that's leaving their house. "

" In the same way, there is some creature gnawing away inside of me, urging me to do things in different ways. "

Dylan Moran

Inside

Same

" I do think it's perfectly natural and human to want to invest belief in something. It's just a facet of who we are. What do I believe in? I believe in the obvious things. The people I'm close to and my work - it's not complicated. "

" I quite fancy the 1940s. I like the trams and the trousers. "

Dylan Moran

Trousers

Quite