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" In America, it is sport that is the opiate of the masses. "
Russell Baker
Opiate
America
Sport
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" Like all young reporters - brilliant or hopelessly incompetent - I dreamed of the glamorous life of the foreign correspondent: prowling Vienna in a Burberry trench coat, speaking a dozen languages to dangerous women, narrowly escaping Sardinian bandits - the usual stuff that newspaper dreams are made of. "
Russell Baker
Newspaper
Women
Dreams
" A day spent praising the earth and lamenting man's pollutionist history makes you feel like a superior, sensitive soul. "
Russell Baker
Soul
You
Earth
" It was Queen Elizabeth who made me a foreign correspondent. "
Russell Baker
Who
Elizabeth
Foreign
" It's good for the soul to hear yourself as others hear you, and next time maybe, just maybe, you will not talk so much, so loudly, so brilliantly, so charmingly, so utterly shamelessly foolishly. "
Russell Baker
Yourself
You
Time
" People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure. "
Russell Baker
Know
People
Out
" Caution: These verses may be hazardous to your solemnity. "
Russell Baker
Hazardous
Verses
Your
" The American press has the blues. Too many authorities have assured it that its days are numbered, too many good newspapers are in ruins. "
Russell Baker
Many
Days
Blues
" An educated person is one who has learned that information almost always turns out to be at best incomplete and very often false, misleading, fictitious, mendacious - just dead wrong. "
Russell Baker
Education
Information
Best
" When sudden death takes a president, opportunities for new beginnings flourish among the ambitious and the tensions among such people can be dramatic, as they were when President Kennedy was killed. "
Russell Baker
Death
People
Opportunities
" Situation comedy on television has thrived for years on 'canned' laughter, grafted by gaglines by technicians using records of guffawing audiences that have been dead for years. "
Russell Baker
Comedy
Situation
Television
" It is fitting that yesteryear's swashbuckling newspaper reporter has turned into today's solemn young sobersides nursing a glass of watered white wine after a day of toiling over computer databases in a smoke-free, noise-free newsroom. "
Russell Baker
White
Wine
Today
" Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. "
Russell Baker
Company
Longer
Misery
" Objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. "
Russell Baker
Break
Work
Three
" A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday. "
Russell Baker
Sunday
Church
Group
" Except for politics, no business is scrutinized more exhaustively than journalism. "
Russell Baker
Journalism
More
Politics
" Reporters thrive on the world's misfortune. For this reason they often take an indecent pleasure in events that dismay the rest of humanity. "
Russell Baker
Politics
Rest
World
" Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it. "
Russell Baker
Grow
Parenting
You
" American foreign policy had still not recovered from its victory over communism when George W. Bush and Condoleezza Rice took over at the White House in 2001. "
Russell Baker
American
Communism
Victory
" Roosevelt's declaration that Americans had 'nothing to fear but fear itself' was a glorious piece of inspirational rhetoric and just as gloriously wrong. "
Russell Baker
Fear
Nothing
Rhetoric
" A skillful playwright might have a good time with the story of the assassination of President William McKinley, and especially with the three most flamboyant political figures involved: Mark Hanna, Theodore Roosevelt, and Emma Goldman. "
Russell Baker
Three
Time
Story
" Serious journalism need not be solemn. "
Russell Baker
Serious
Need
Journalism
" In America nothing dies easier than tradition. "
Russell Baker
America
Dies
Tradition
" Newspaper people, once celebrated as founts of ribald humor and uncouth fun, have of late lost all their gaiety, and small wonder. "
Russell Baker
Humor
People
Small
" Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things. "
Russell Baker
Just
Progress
Things
" Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. "
Russell Baker
Break
Down
Work
" Journalism was being whittled away by a Wall Street theory that profits can be maximized by minimizing the product. "
Russell Baker
Street
Wall
Away
" Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down. "
Russell Baker
Shot
Say
Need
" Anticipating that most poetry will be worse than carrying heavy luggage through O'Hare Airport, the public, to its loss, reads very little of it. "
Russell Baker
Will
Poetry
Airport
" Kingsley Amis was one of a trio of brilliant comic novelists who made English literature sparkle in the twentieth century. "
Russell Baker
Sparkle
Brilliant
Trio
" I gave up on new poetry myself 30 years ago when most of it began to read like coded messages passing between lonely aliens in a hostile world. "
Russell Baker
World
Myself
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