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" John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career. "
" In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani. "
" In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union. "
" Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me. "
" Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. "
" It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy. "
" If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. "
" Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion. "
" There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference. "
" Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. "
" Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.' "
" Fish recognize a bad leader. "
" One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. "
" Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!' "
" I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. "
" Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years. "
Rock And Roll
" Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. "
" CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.' "
" This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him. "
" Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen. "
" Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity. "
" There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. "
" I think the best thing I ever did was, years before I got the 'Late Night' show, when I first got out to Los Angeles to be a television writer, the first thing I did was I signed up to take improvisational classes... And I studied that for years, and I really loved it. "
" According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here. "
" Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. "
" In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have. "
" If you watch a lot of television, the pacing, the quick cutting is so frenetic, but it doesn't always make it funnier. What I'm noticing is that when things are allowed to unspool more slowly, younger crowds really like it. They really appreciate it. "
" When all else fails there's always delusion. "
When All Else Fails
" Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. "
" Every comedian dreams of hosting 'The Tonight Show' and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. "
" The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. "